New Batavian Herald
The New Batavian Herald is the national newspaper for the Republic of Displaced Calvinists. Published in the captial city of New Batavia Colony, it covers all the events of importance to the life of the Republic. As the nation has grown from a tiny plantation colony into a full-fledged country, so the newspaper has grown from a single page weekly flyer into a well-respected journal published six days a week. Past Headlines & News Stories Independence! France has abandoned us, but the Lord shall take us up! 18 October: After weeks of frustrating, one-way attempts at negotiating with our homeland's colonial ministry, we have concluded that we have been left to fend for ourselves. Colonial Governor-General Sheldomar Bolak led the signing today of our declaration of independance, and the formation of a new Republic dedicated to our precious religious liberties. May God's face shine upon us. Mid-Week Prayer Meeting Riots of Oct. 25th Finance Minister Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau Accused of Spying for Jesuits Due to some rather exceptional blunders by members of Displaced Calvinists' government, particularly on the part of former Finance Minister Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau, a portion of the population rose up in a minor rebellion known as the Mid-Week Prayer Meeting Riots of October 25th. It had been made public by Parliamentary Classis Member, Reverend Ian MacKenzie to his Scottish Free Presbyterian congregation in their Wednesday night prayer meeting, that Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau had been behind the recent failure of the colony's coffee plantations and salt mines. MacKenzie accused the Finance Minister of being a Jesuit spy sent to sabotage the colony. The Scottish Presbyterians took to the streets in protest, and soon the entire population of New Batavia Colony was in an uproar, demanding Bruchard-Cleuseau's immediate ouster. Bruchard-Cleuseau urged the government to put down the riots with military force, but Governor-General Sheldomar Bolak and Public Safety Minister Yves Purdue made speeches in the public square and over the national radio station appealing for calm while an official inquiry took place. Before an inquiry could officially begin, Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau fled the country with a sizable but undisclosed portion of the nation's wealth. Found in his personal possessions left behind were a rosary, five vials of holy water, a Roman Catholic Missal, a small desk flag from Vatican City, and the clerical garb of a Roman Catholic priest in Bruchard-Cleuseau's size. When the evidence was handed over to the Governor-General, the rosary exploded, and would have killed Mr. Bolak had not his deluxe copy of Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion shielded him from the blast. The Great Recession of Oct. 21st Coffee Plantations Fail... Salt Mine Explosion Kills Mining Project Further inquiries have revealed that the Great Recession of Oct. 21st was also directly attributable to former Finance Minister Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau as a direct result of his personally sabotaging the coffee milling equipment purchased for the fledgling plantations. His finger prints were also found on a set of explosives caps that were used to dynamite the new salt mines closed just as the Governor-General was officiating at their Grand Opening. That act of sabotage put an end to the mining project permanently, and nearly killed Governor-General Sheldomar Bolak and injured four members of the ruling Legislative Classis.